Remember when Yoda said to Luke Skywalker, “Do or do not, there is no try?” That’s how I think about the word “should.” There is really no should, there’s either “will” or “will not,” “do” or “do not,” “did” or “did not,” “is” or “is not.” These are reality-based words, whereas “should” lives in our stories about what life would be like if it were different. Even if we desire to take a certain action (like to go to a friend’s party) or to obtain a result (like to lose weight), the more we dwell in “should,” the less likely we are to take responsibility for where we are right NOW, and the less motivated we are to make a decision or change our behavior.
Here’s a fun exercise: write down a list of “shoulds” that seem to plague you consistently (like I did in the post Should is a Four-Letter Word). Go through each one and replace the word “should” with one of the reality-based words above and see what happens. Here’s my new list, so you can see what I mean:
I will not be better at folding sheets (I don’t care how well my sheets are folded, so I’m just going to drop the commitment to this one—how freeing)
My house is as put together as it is (no amount of worrying about how my house looks will change it right now. When I’m ready, I’ll work toward putting it together more, but not today)
I have the skin that I have
I will be more patient with my kids (but I will not beat myself up when I’m not)
My husband is as patient with the kids as he is (this one I have no control over, so I need to back up a level and think about how I will be more patient with my husband)
My kids do whine so much (it’s only my thinking they shouldn’t that triggers my strong reaction)
My nephew did die (reality always wins, whether we like it or not)
I do know what to do (saying we don’t know over and over just reinforces uncertainty)
I will do more
I did say that
I do feel [insert uncomfortable emotion]
I will relax
As you do this, notice what thoughts come up for you, as this exercise will likely kick up some dirt, so to speak. For instance, if you need to choose between “will” and “will not,” you will bump up against your real level of commitment toward taking the action instead of using your “should” to protect you from having to choose. Select your words carefully and be compassionate with yourself. You’ll likely learn a lot.
Once again, the cogs in my brain you're making me use are really rusty and taking a while to get turning. The "should" replacement exercise is a good practice. Have you played with replacing "will" with "am", to own "it" now rather than some unspecified time in the future? For example, "I am a good dad" versus "I will be a good dad". It's a bit Stuart Smalley but it's powerful when it starts to sink in.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work!
Ooh, that's a good one. For any state of being (as opposed to a future action or past event), then I completely agree with you that it's a good exercise to replace "should" with "am," although it may trigger some "stuff." When I say, "I am patient with my kids," I notice my inner voice beginning to argue that I should be more patient, I'm not where I want to be, etc. That inner dialogue tells me that I have some work to do, so to speak, to reach acceptance. so for me, I look for the painful thought that is keeping me stuck, and in this case, it was that I am not patient. When I examined that thought, I realized I am way more patient than I give myself credit for. So as I let "I am patient" sink in, it feels much better. Thanks again for the feedback!
ReplyDeleteDialogue is fun!
ReplyDeleteI know, right? Dialogue is fantastic. And "de-rustifying" those old cogs :)
ReplyDeleteI'm late on the scene, but I like dialogue too. Troy is really good at bringing the present tense into the conversation and I am learning. I say "do you think we will ever feel better" and he says "we already are" - or I'll say "do you think we will ever figure this out" and he says "we are already figuring it out". I'm trying to train myself with this one.
ReplyDeleteI do love the "should" posts. That word should be banished from the Engliush language. :)