Another Step Forward

If you’ve ever been through a healing process of any kind, whether from an injury, surgery, a divorce or loss of a loved one, you know that physical or emotional healing is not linear. It feels as though it is two steps forward and one step back most of the time. This is how it’s been for me since my surgery a few weeks ago. I get my energy back and start feeling really good and then I push a little too hard and BOOM, I’m back on the couch for a day or two, feeling less than stellar.

My mind wants my body to be fully recovered. Although I’m pretty good at listening to my body, my mind can be pretty darned convincing. It consistently tries to override the signals I get from my body. For example, this past weekend, I planted flowers in the morning and ran a few errands in the afternoon on Sunday. It was nothing too crazy, but once I came home, my energy was low and my first thought was that I wanted to sit down for a while. Within mere moments, my mind kicked into gear with a familiar pattern, the gist of which goes something like this: I can do just this one more thing and then sit down later. I need to do [insert task] because [insert person] wants [insert result] and I wouldn’t want them to feel [insert uncomfortable feeling].

Sound familiar?

The bottom line is that I do lots of tasks hoping to please other people or feel the familiarity of being “productive” at the expense of taking care of myself. Niiiiiicccee. But these days, when I’m miserable on the couch a few hours later because I didn’t heed the whisper to sit the heck down, my body is talking back.

Why, you may ask? Well, here are a few of my reasons:

• I want to make other people’s lives easier. I’ll often trade my inconvenience for their convenience, especially if they’re ultimately doing something to help me (more on that topic later).

• I want to contribute. I want to do what I can to make another person’s experience better.

• Being productive feeds my self-worth. I feel more valuable when I’m doing something. And I don’t think I’m alone. This culture values busyness over almost anything else.

• I don’t want to be seen as selfish or lazy.

• I don’t want to feel guilty while someone else does something I think I should be able to do.

I would guess that most people have a fundamental value to be of service to others. And most people want to do things for their family members and society as a whole. I am certainly not questioning these values. What I’m talking about is much more insidious than that. It’s going way past our own limits in the name of being of service, and who wants that? It’s the opposite of self-care.

So what to do? I’m still on a pretty significant learning curve here, but I’m starting to recognize when when my energy starts to wane and my body starts telling me to slow down. Instead of considering it “one step back” (which upholds the “I should be productive!” way of thinking), I’m actually starting to think of it as an invitation to rest. It’s another step forward, in the direction of health and healing.

Resting is something that is rather hard to do, at least for me. But it is absolutely the most important thing I can do right now because my body heals best when it’s relaxed and free of tension. This is requiring a radical change in the way I think. I'm up for the challenge.