Tick Tock

Do you ever experience those periods in which you wish time would move along a little faster? When you want to get to the next stage? You know, that stage—the one when everything will work out and you’ll be happy again?

Perhaps it was during high school when you just wanted to get the heck out of dodge.

Or during your first crappy job when you hated your boss.

When you were single and couldn’t wait to find your soulmate.

Or when your baby was waking you up three times a night, and your sleep deprivation made it unsafe to operate heavy machinery.

Or during your seemingly endless dark night of the soul.

The list goes on…

The first time I intensely experienced the “counting minutes until this sh*t ends” phenomenon was during my MBA because, let’s just call a spade a spade, finance and accounting are just not my thing. Every tick of the clock could not come soon enough.

I’m again undergoing a time period like that right now. I have just under 30 radiation treatments left until I finish my cancer treatment. I am not going to lie, I am really looking forward to when this phase is complete. I’m usually a huge fan of Summer, wanting the warm weather to last forever, but these days I find my mind daydreaming about a radiation-free Fall, despite the cooling temperatures. I try not to count each treatment and mark it off the calendar, but sometimes it’s hard to resist.

What’s common in these experiences? It’s feeling the need to endure the present in order to reach a better future. And if we’re feeling a need to endure, there’s a certain stuckness that goes along with it, as though we have no other options but to stick it out.

About mid-way through my MBA program, in which I enrolled of my own free will, I felt fully stuck. I couldn’t quit (or so I told myself), and yet each class felt like a struggle to pay attention and participate. It turns out that I’m glad I finished, but at the time, it felt like swimming through molasses to show up every day. In terms of radiation, I could have chosen other treatment options, and I could technically quit treatment at any time, so there is some choice in the matter. But it still smells of stuckness. I know this is the best course of action for me right now and I will be back on track to vitality and wellness after it is over, and still, it’s hard not to pine away for the future.

But pining away for a better future? What the HECK? I had cancer (just to emphasize, I HAD cancer, in the past tense—it is so gone now!), so shouldn’t I be even more grateful for my time on this planet? How can I possibly wish time away, when each moment is precious? Shouldn’t we live every day as though it’s our last?

What gives?

This is a tough inner conflict to manage while going through rough patches in our lives. So what to do? Here are the strategies that work for me:

Review your options

The first thing to do when you’re stuggling and wishing time away is to check to make sure there really are no other options. Ask yourself how much of the situation is within your control. Many times we tell ourselves we have no choice, but it’s just a cover story for “I’ve made this choice and now I don’t like it and/or I’m not willing to change course” (but staying the course is still a choice). Review all the decisions you have made to get you to this point. If something really is within your control (like a job or educational experience), you can always make a difference choice. Changing directions may require a lot of effort or come with certain unpleasant consequences, but it is still possible.

Choose the path you are on

If you are experiencing life circumstances that are beyond your control (or have chosen to stay on a path within your control even if it is unpleasant), then the way to eliminate suffering is to choose the path you are on, whether you like it or not. The more we think “this shouldn’t be happening to me,” the more resistance we will experience, and the more endurance we will need to get through it. Endurance takes a lot of valuable energy.

Even if the very worst has happened, acceptance means choosing exactly what we are going through. Take my path, for example. Most people would never choose cancer, right? I sure wouldn’t. And yet, if I am to get through this treatment period with a minimal amount of resistance, I need to choose it. Over and over. Every day. That means accepting the reality of my treatment and choosing it for the very reason that it is happening. Not because I enjoy it, condone it or have some twisted desire to go through this particular experience (or put my family through it). But because if I resist it, I will be wasting energy suffering instead of using that precious energy for healing and recovery. So every day, I make sure to reframe my thoughts from “I have to go to radiation” to “I choose to go radiation.” I am choosing the path that I think will net the best long term results.

Ok, I can just guess what you’re thinking… there’s no way I would choose cancer. Or the death of a loved one. Or any of the awful things that happen all the time. Alright, truth be told, nor would I. I am not suggesting that we start thinking some crisis is the best thing ever. Um, no. What I am saying is that reality always wins, and arguing with it will only cause suffering. (Spiritual teacher Byron Katie’s method, The Work, and her book “Loving What Is” are great resources for working through this process).

Look for ways the path is just right

One question that I ask myself when choosing an unintended or unsavory path is: what is perfect about this? As I wrote in my letter to Cancer, I look at my particular circumstance as a learning opportunity (or Another F*ing Growth Opportunity, as I like to say). I know that somehow it’s exactly right for me because I will learn something valuable that I can then pass along to others. As Byron Katie states, "Everything happens for me, not to me” (Loving What Is, p. 227). Recovering from cancer just happens to be the adventure I’m on right now. So be it.

Give into the negative thought spirals—sometimes—but don’t land there

Trying to be positive when we feel like crap is as much fighting with reality as trying to change circumstances out of our control. The fact of the matter is that sometimes we just feel awful about things, and no amount of thought work, affirmations or positivity is going to help us through it. That’s when it’s time to own that we’re in a dark place and let the negativity rip. One practice that I’ve found extremely helpful is “Conscious Complaining,” which is described in detail by Karla McLaren in her fantastic book, “The Language of Emotions.” It entails finding a private place to complain, all messy and balls-out, without dumping on anyone or expecting anyone to change your feelings. Then whine or complain until you have nothing left to say.

This just happened to me the other day when I got turned around in the maze of campus construction and one-way streets on the way to radiation. I was alone in my car, so I let out all the complaints I could think of about this whole process. (Unfortunately, I can’t say I didn’t dump my feelings on anyone that morning, but I’ve never claimed to be perfect at this stuff). The one thing that really helped while in the muck was telling myself "these are just feelings that will pass. I don't have to land here." And you know what? They did pass, and I felt much lighter after letting them all out.

Do at least one thing you enjoy for its own sake every day

I think this practice is important no matter what's going on in your life, but it's especially critical whil going through a tough time. One of the best things you can do for yourself is something, anything, that you enjoy doing for its own sake. Do it as often as possible, but at least once per day. Just because you like it. The more joy you feel, the better off you’ll be.

Do you like reading? Baking? Walking in the park? Playing with your dog? Yoga? Do whatever it is that brings a smile to your face. Just because. You deserve it.



Photo by Earls37a