A few months ago, I saw a clever little independent film called "May I Be Frank?" It's a documentary about an overweight guy from Brooklyn who does a 42-day cleanse and personal development program through a raw restaurant in San Francisco. He has three coaches to help and encourage him as he makes significant changes in his life. He tells it like it is, and his insights are alternately hilarious and touching.
During one of his worst times, when he is feeling horrible, his coaches essentially tell him, "This is FANTASTIC! It's perfect! You're doing great, and this is just where you need to be!"
When you’re in the middle of a hard time, it’s often hard to see how the experience is benefitting you in any way, let alone how it’s exactly right--a situation delivered by the universe specifically FOR your growth and evolution as a human being. My sister and I have found this concept especially helpful lately, allowing us to laugh at how FREAKIN’ FANTASTIC everything is when we’re at our darkest moments. Sarcastic (sadistic?) humor often helps.
Anyway, I digress. My point is that finding the genuine (not sarcastic or forced) gift in any situation can really re-frame a problem and shed some light on a tough situation. Take mine, for instance. At times, my radiation treatments are kicking my ass, to put it bluntly. When my energy wanes, which it does frequently these days, I’m bone tired, sluggish, and everything seems to take longer. I sometimes get cranky, with a volatile, dramatic temper. My filters and defenses are gone, so I’m more easily triggered, and things get to me quicker and deeper than they have in years. The worst part is that during those dark moments, I believe my worst thoughts about myself (not unlike high school--and it feels about as bad).
To begin reframing the situation, I ask myself the following questions:
-What is perfect about this situation?
-If my soul/the universe/God had a message for me here, what would it be?
-How can I learn from this?
If the situation as a whole is too daunting or big, break it down into pieces and ask the questions for each individual piece. For example:
-What’s perfect about fatigue is that it makes me softer (ahem, most of the time). During a bodywork treatment, the fabulous somatic coach Suzanne Roberts, of WomenGenerating, reframed the situation in such a beautiful way for me that I’ve felt lighter and more peaceful about it ever since. She said that the slow, softness of fatigue can teach me how to be more relaxed in my body. Wow, what a huge insight. Seeing the value in this situation is making it much easier to tolerate (with much less resistance).
-The gift in my dark, volatile moods is perhaps that some of my deepest beliefs, stored emotions and a deep layer of physical tension are coming up to the surface for healing. It’s perfect, in its own twisted way, because I can see my most unworkable patterns in all their glory (much to the dismay of my husband), as they are no longer buried beneath layers of what Richard Strozzi-Heckler calls “armor,” or coping mechanisms. Now that I’m aware of them, I can work on UN-winding the patterns one step at a time.
There can be unforeseen gifts in even the most tragic and upsetting situations. Think about the amazing sense of community and generosity after events such as 9/11 or the hurricane in New Orleans. New relationships that develop in the wake of heart-wrenching loss. New opportunities and directions when things don’t go as “planned.”
Traditionally, I’ve found it easier to see the gifts long after the hardest part of a circumstance has passed. But when you can see the value of your toughest times in the moment, that’s when the magic happens. The resistance melts away. You stop fighting with reality and allow it all to unfold. You're okay with what is happening because it's just the way it was meant to be.
Photo by Maios
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