Authenticity - Part I

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university,
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and lawyers,
And business executives,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

You may recognize this song by Malvina Reynolds as the themesong of Weeds, a hilarious show well worth watching, particularly if you have a dark sense of humor like I do (warning, it is not appropriate for kids or the faint of heart). When my husband and I watched the first few seasons of the show, we looked forward to this song at least as much as the show itself. It speaks brilliantly to the way our culture encourages conformity, fitting in and keeping up with the Joneses as the pinnacle of success, but ultimately leaves us feeling empty and void of meaning.

For the next few posts, I will be exploring how to swim against this stream of conformity by choosing authenticity, a topic that I find absolutely fascinating and which is at the heart of my coaching. In order to ground my thinking, I decided to begin by exploring what it means to be inauthentic. I asked myself if it was possible to be inauthentic, since no matter what we do, we are being ourselves in some way—we cannot possibly be anything or anyone other than who we are. True dat.

However, after this little thought experiment, I concluded that while we can only be ourselves, our level of authenticity or inauthenticity can be thought of as a continuum based on the degree to which we are aligned we are with our true, essential, selves (the unconditioned part of us that remains the same regardless of our upbringing, age, nationality, etc). Thus, inauthenticity means being more aligned with the conditioned, social part of us that sells out our truth (our true desires, interests, feelings, etc.) in order to gain approval, to fit in, to be right, to please, to impress. It means changing who we are or what we stand for in order to be accepted by others.

I used to think inauthenticity was a bad thing. I grew up in what I perceived to be a very image-conscious community, and I remember resisting the etiquette, expectations and “shoulds” with a Holden Caulfield-like vengeance. I found it extremely difficult to sort out what was true for me amid the barrage of messages about who I should be.

Now I realize how influential societal factors are and how hard it is NOT to be inauthentic. Think about it. We live in a culture that dictates how we should look, how clear our skin should be, how much we should weigh, how much money we should make, what kind of clothes we should buy, and what our houses should look like. We get messages about who we’re supposed to be from our immediate families, from schools and religious communities, from the advertising industry (ad nauseum), from the organizations with which we are affiliated, and from general cultural norms. We are taught what to think (think positively!), what to feel (don’t worry, be happy!), and how to behave (be nice and mind your manners!). No wonder we admire anyone who has the courage required to be truly, unabashedly themselves.

I also used to think that inauthenticity was a state of being—you were either fake or real. Now I realize that being inauthentic or authentic is a choice we make in each moment. In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection,” researcher Brene Brown states that “authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” This choice requires us to be really solid in ourselves, as evidenced by the three simple scenarios below. What would you do in those situations?

Ask for a raise because I have earned it OR Resent the lack of recognition and badmouth the boss

Address a sticky situation that upset me OR Avoid confrontation and stuff the feelings

Stay home to watch Netflix OR Go to a distant cousin’s wedding when I’m feeling sick, just because it’s expected

If we do not consistently and consciously practice authenticity in the small day-to-day decisions, we begin to lose the ability to know what is true for us. After years of people-pleasing or impressing, for example, we forget how to listen to our deepest selves and end up way off course (like in a dead-end relationship or golden handcuff job), wondering what the hell happened. Inauthenticity leaves us feeling crappy, trapped, and often resesentful because of our own lack of boundaries. Then it’s even harder to find our way back “home” to our true selves because the transition requires us to release the very patterns that we have built our identity around.

Sound depressing? Fear not! The good news is that it’s never too late to choose authenticity. Think of authenticity as a muscle that needs to be stretched and strengthened—the more you “work out,” the stronger it gets and the more aligned your life is with your true self.

Stay tuned for the next post on the Top 5 beliefs that keep us from showing our true selves to the world…


Photo by Patrick Smith Photography