Authenticity - Part II

In the my last post on authenticity, I started exploring the meaning of authenticity by diving into its opposite, inauthenticity. My working definition of inauthenticity is: changing who we are or what we stand for in order to be accepted by others. It means we consciously or unconsciously stay more aligned with the conditioned, social part of us that sells out our truth (our true desires, interests, feelings, etc.) in order to gain approval, to fit in, to be right, to please, to impress. This is an adaptive process that is designed, albeit misguidedly, to protect us (who doesn’t want to fit in?). My point is that everyone does it, no harm no foul.

While I mentioned that authenticity is a choice that requires courage and self-awareness, I now want to take this a step further. I believe that the choices we make are driven by our thoughts and underlying belief systems, many of which remain unconscious until we really pay attention to them. Thus, our underlying belief systems determine how aligned we are with our deepest truths. Does this ring true for you? Because this was a huge revelation for me. Huge. And worth repeating:

Our underlying belief systems determine how authentic we can choose to be.

Negative beliefs we have about ourselves keep us stuck in inauthentic patterns such as people pleasing or striving to fit in. Check out this example to see what I mean. Let’s say you’ve had an exhausting week, and you’re ready to spend some quality you-time over the weekend. Your friend calls and asks you to a movie on Friday night. She’s been there for you in the past. What’s more, you said no last time she asked you to do something. Your authentic self would rather curl up on the couch. What do you do? Do you stand for what’s best for you or do you put your friend’s needs first? Let’s consider this same exact circumstance with two different belief systems. In the first, you believe “I’m selfish if I do something for myself,” so you go with your friend. But if you have a belief that goes something like, “my needs are important,” you may choose to stay home. Hmm, food for thought.

Now let’s take a look at the Top 5 beliefs that keep you from staying true to yourself:

I’m not good enough/there’s something wrong with me – there are lots of variations of this basic belief in one’s own defectiveness. The more time you spend believing this, the less authentic you will be. If you are withholding yourself, diminishing yourself, hiding, beating yourself up or getting in your own way, you are likely hooked on one of these thoughts. Your highest self—the authentic you—knows this thought is an outright lie, so once you dissolve the thoughts (or at least quiet them down a bit), you can start living a life that is more aligned to the real you.

I don’t belong – It is a basic human need to connect with other people. However, the more we believe this thought, the more it sets us up to strive and make an effort to fit in. When you are trying to be a certain way, then you are not allowing yourself to be exactly who you are. Think back to your freshman year in high school. How did you change yourself in order to be “cool” (or rail against the cool kids by being different)? Did you change your hair? Your clothes? Your laugh? Your values? Are you still changing yourself in ways that will “earn” you approval in some way? Connecting with people authentically requires courage and vulnerability, but nets much better results than any attempt to connect based on something you’re not.

I don’t matter/my needs don’t matter – when you are believing this thought, you are most likely placing other peoples’ needs in front of your own. You end up taking care of others, past the point of exhaustion. Authentically, you may want to take a nap or do something for yourself, but you think they need you, and you wouldn’t think of disappointing them, so you soldier on, resenting them for taking advantage of you. When you let this thought go and realize that your needs are at least as important as anyone else’s, you can begin to make more conscious choices about how you spend your precious energy.

What other people think matters – this is a classic belief that afflicts most everyone at one point or another. It goes something like, “I couldn’t do that (quit the job I hate, leave a bad relationship, do something different) because, well, what would people think?” Author Martha Beck calls this concept the “generalized other,” and it turns out that it is usually only a few key people in your life whose opinions really matter. And even then, these particular people may or may not be supportive of what is true or important to you. As you relinquish this belief, you become more free to express yourself in ways you never thought possible—without caving when someone judges or disagrees. Cool.

I should be different (thinner, richer, better, younger, perfect, etc) – No matter how hard you try, thinking you should be different will not actually motivate you to make changes (how many times have you tried to stop overeating, spending, yelling, etc.? Yep, I thought so). In fact, this kind of self-criticism keeps you stuck in negative patterns. The worst part is that you mistake the “deficiency” for who you are (I’m someone who can’t change) instead of as a negative pattern that you experience. The authentic you isn’t perfect, but it’s perfectly you, exactly as you are.

Photo by Ibai Acevedo