Vulnerability

Over the past several weeks, I have been thinking a lot about vulnerability. It’s a theme that has come up for me as I write my blog posts and authentically share what’s up for me. It’s also a topic that keeps coming up with my clients, who are extraordinarily brave in their vulnerability with me, sharing their inner most thoughts and feelings. So it got me thinking... what exactly is vulnerability and why is it so damned hard to embrace?

According to dictionary.com, the adjective “vulnerable” means the following:
• Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt
• Open to temptation, pursuasion, censure, etc
• Liable or exposed to disease, disaster, attack, etc

The physical, “I could get hit by a bus at any moment” vulnerability is certainly present and probably more impactful in our every day lives than we care to admit. However, I am more fascinated by vulnerability of the emotional variety—the capability of being emotionally wounded or hurt by ourselves or other people. I find the last part of the definition interesting as well—liable or exposed to (emotional) attack, such as an attack on our character or self-worth. This could be anything from getting made fun of on the playground to being criticized by a boss or parent.

What are we so afraid of?

My guess is that even as you read the last few statements about the perils of being vulnerable, you probably cringed a bit. Emotional wounds hurt like hell and leave nasty scars that sometimes never heal. Children are wired to seek belonging, love, and approval and are naturally much more open and emotionally vulnerable than adults. But as they grow up, they end up getting their feelings hurt (or worse) in a myriad of ways. Their physical and emotional wounds shape them—their bodies, their belief systems, and how they see the world.

As adults, our feelings still get hurt all the time. We stand to lose our credibility, to look foolish or stupid, to be unliked, to be judged, or to have our hearts broken. We want to avoid a whole host of uncomfortable feelings, including sadness, shame, embarrassment, and disappointment. And when we are vulnerable, our self image is at risk.

What do we do to protect ourselves?

Each time we experience an emotional wound and it doesn’t heal properly, we develop elaborate strategies to protect ourselves from being wounded in the future. If you were mercilessly teased by other kids, you might learn to keep your distance from others so they can’t get close enough to hurt you. If you had an overly critical parent, you might believe the worst about yourself so the parent can’t say anything you don’t already “know.” If you experienced a series of negative events, you might grow up with a chip on your shoulder and use your anger to keep others out. There are as many protection strategies as there are people.

The really interesting thing is, though, that the strategies end up having exactly the opposite effect of what we want them to do. For example, let’s say your protection strategy is to be independent and "do it alone.” To reduce your perceived vulnerability, you might not ask for help because you may make it mean that you are weak and “can’t” do what you set out to do. Thus, every time somone offers help, you may dismiss them and say you don’t need it. You remain “strong” and independent, but at the cost of deeper, more intimate connections. So even though we protect ourselves by reducing our perceived vulnerability, it turns out that we are getting hurt anyway by keeping others at a distance and losing the belonging and connection that we crave. Twisted, eh?

As humans, we have a deep desire to connect with and belong with other people, to find our intimate relatinships, our friends—our “tribe.” And yet despite these deep longings for deeper connections, we stay stuck in patterns of potecting ourselves without even realizing it.

Why is vulnerability important?

To me, vulnerability is the path to a more open heart, and it is essential to being authentic. Vulnerability is required to face ourselves and let go of the patterns we’ve hung on to in the name of protection. We need to be vulnerable to access the soft, juicy, sweet stuff in the middle. That’s where we open our hearts to our intimate relationships, we care deeply for our friends and family, we communicate authentically with others, we learn to accept ourselves, and where connect with our source, God, the infinite, the universe, or whatever you want to call it. It’s the vital life force that connects all of us. Is it hard to open up and risk our hearts? Absolutely. But is it worth getting to the gooey, delicious center? No question.

The practice for vulnerability

If you are longing for deeper and more authentic connections in your life, start by practicing being vulnerable yourself and see what happens. Here are a few tips to open up your heart while staying as emotionally “safe” as possible:

• Start small. When someone asks you how you are, answer them in a way that is authentic.
• Practice asking someone how they really, really are. Be open to hearing the answer.
• Strike up a conversation with a total stranger and share something you’ve never shared with anyone before.
• If someone offers to help you, notice whether you push it away because you think you can (or should) be able to do it alone. Try viewing an offer of help as a way to connect with you. Accept it graciously.
• Speak your truth, whatever that may be, in an open, vulnerable way to at least one person today. If you’re scared of the future, say so. If you made a mistake, admit it. If you’re joyously celebrating something wonderful, don’t diminish it.
• Recognize that when someone else is either being defensive or attacking you, they are just using their own protection strategy. Do your best not to take it personally.
• Drop your need to be right; give yourself permission to choose connection over anger or pride.
• Tell someone that you care about how much they mean to you. Include at least one specific example of how they impact your life.

Then notice what happens. My guess is that by letting your own guard down, you will give someone else permission to do the same. Spread the love, one authentic connection at a time.

Super Special Freaky Wierd

Have you ever felt like you were super special freaky wierd? Like your faults and weaknesses were spectacularly worse than anyone else's in the entire human race? I have. And I'm about to out my freakiness in print.

First, though, I want to say that I'm pretty sure that every person on earth has "I suck" thoughts from time to time. We all have fears about not being good enough, not fitting in, being unworthy, or not stacking up to the expectations of our parents, teachers, supervisors, clients, God, etc. But some of us go beyond the garden variety "I'm not good enough" thoughts that plunge us into a bad mood from time to time to the deep, black hole-type thoughts like "there must be something seriously wrong with me to be this f*ed up." If left to their own devices, these thoughts produce a nasty cocktail of pessimism, bitterness, sarcasm and low self-esteem.

Sometimes, there's one shameful "thing"--a habit or pattern--that provides a way to dissociate from those dark thoughts, even temporarily. My super special freaky wierd "thing" was a habit of picking my skin. It started at around five years old, when I would scratch the heck out of my mosquito bites. During puberty, as you can probably imagine, it reached a feverish pitch, and my fingers would dig at any real or perceived blemish. I kept thinking my skin would improve as I aged, but the habit continued unabated long into adulthood. I came to realize, of course, that it was not my skin's fault that I couldn't seem to leave it alone.

I searched the internet for solutions. I went to therapy. I changed my diet. I tried hypnosis. I did yoga and meditation. I wondered what was wrong with me that I had this shameful habit that I could not stop. I remember thinking that it would have been better to have a more socially acceptable vice, like overeating or alcoholism. At least there are support groups and 12-step programs for those.

Sometimes I wouldn't go out because I didn't want anyone to see how bad my skin was. I spent an inordinate amount of time ruminating about how terrible I looked and what people would think. The worst part is that the habit confirmed my worst fears about myself, and it kept me isolated, hidden, and stuck in a vicious, self-defeating cycle.

I am happy to report that I have finally come out of the loop. I have ended my battle with myself and have stopped literally picking myself apart. And having come through that particular challenge to the sweet taste of freedom on the other side, I am here to share that healing and transformation are possible and completely within reach.

In her coach training program, Martha Beck places great emphasis on being TAO, which stands for Transparent, Authentic, and Open. This means facing the truth about ourselves and being willing to share that truth with others on a deep and authentic level. It means keeping nothing hidden from view. It is about being fully honest about who we are and what we bring to the table. It means being willing to be admit when we're wrong or stuck so we can come back to our authentic selves instead of striving for perfection or pretending we have all the answers. It also means being vulnerable, especially if it helps someone else on the path.

The Tao also refers to "the way," from the first chapter of the Tao Te Ching: "Beyond the gate of experience flows the Way, Which is ever greater and more subtle than the world."

Today my TAO, or that which flows beyond the gate of experience, is to share this post with an open heart, overriding a strong urge to be glib and diminish how traumatized I have been by my struggle. I've spent more time thinking about this subject than almost any other, so I would be hiding the truth of who I am if I didn't share it.

Words to live by...

I was inspired by my coaching colleagues to choose a word for the year. Not just any word, mind you, but a word that my essential self longs for me to express more fully. A word that I can embrace and embody for the whole year to bring me into a fuller and more vibrant expression of who I am.

The first word that came to me is RISK. Why, you may ask? Well, I have been down this path of going out on my own as a coach and entrepreneur before, and basically, I failed. I stayed hidden behind my fears that were broadcasting LOUDLY day and night about what people would think, whether I had the experience, how I would make money, how there so much competition, etc., etc. Instead of meeting my fears head on, I retreated to the safety of a j-o-b where I got paid a nice, cush salary and did not need to market my services. However, I knew I was meant for more. Something deep inside me said, "we can do this for now, but this isn't over yet, sister."

Fast forward six years, having navigated my way through a wedding, two babies, family crises, a cross-country move, working with different coaching methods and many clients, and all kinds of introspection and personal growth. Now, I am setting out on my own as a life coach and entrepreneur--again. This time, however, I am in a much different place, and I have the tools to get out of my own way.

So this year, as I embark on a journey of putting myself "out there" and making a bigger contribution in the world, the word RISK keeps popping into my mind. I'm talking about the kind of risk that is necessary to fulfill my heart's desires. The good, thrilling kind that, according to author Martha Beck, feels like diving into a clean pool of clear water (as opposed to the bad kind, where the feeling of diving into a pool of sewage lets you know you're taking a risk that points you in the wrong direction).

For me, this means stretching a little outside of my comfort zone every day. Connecting with new people. Listening to my true self instead of what the socialized part of me thinks I "should" do. Designing and offering educational programs. Writing a blog that is transparent, authentic and open. Reaching out to my ideal clients. Marketing my coaching services. Asking provocative questions. Finding and living right on what yogis call "the edge"--not so safe that I'm bored and apathetic (been there) and not such a stretch that it's either harmful or shuts me down (yep, done that).

The fear is still there, don't get me wrong. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of judgment. It will always be there, to some degree. But there's a deeper yearning--a calling even--that has been tugging at me for years to go beyond my internal walls and bring my whole, authentic self forward in a bigger way. Right now, this means to embrace mind/body healing and personal transformation as a profession, not just a private fascination with self-help books and workshops. If there's anything I've learned over the past few years, it's that hiding behind fear is anything but safe. It's narrow, small and stifling. And that, my friends, brings me right back to where I started: RISK. I'm up for the challenge. Now's the time.

So, what is the one word that would you like to embrace this year? Ask yourself how you want to feel in the new year? What emotions or sensations do you want more of? What ways of being do you want to embrace? How can you create more richness and meaning in your life?

If nothing comes to mind immediately, set some time aside to sit quietly, without interruption. Listen deeply to what's coming up from your true, essential self.

Here are a few words to spark your thinking:

-Surrender
-Peace
-Authenticity
-Cherish
-Joy
-Connection
-Love
-Vibrant
-Ease
-Expansive

Holiday Inner Drama

The holidays bring up my “stuff” every year. I get triggered and hooked all sorts of situations, small and large. I find myself more moody and irritable than usual. I consistently wonder why I let it happen AGAIN. Well, it’s another year, and I’ve been hooked repeatedly already. I am noticing some of my least favorite patterns, and I’m doing my best to find the underlying painful thoughts. In case you think you are alone in your holiday frenzy, I want to let you in on my holiday inner drama, just to help you feel better.

• Procrastination – here it is three days before Christmas, and I haven’t bought presents for my mom, dad, sister or brother-in-law. Hmmm, wonder what that’s about. I keep thinking I’ll do it later, but later never seems to come until it’s cruch time. Then I beat myself up for letting this happen again this year. Still getting to the bottom of this one.

• Obligatory gift giving – I do not like trying and trying to think of gifts that will hit just the right note of generosity, sentimentality, and thoughtfulness. It feels forced, especially those years (like this year) when I don’t get a brilliant brainstorm that saves the day. This whole pattern then contributes to the procrastination. Instead, I like gifts that are given with no obligation, no expectations for anything in return, and no fuss. For example, my sister came home from Italy and gave me (for no reason at all other than that she KNEW I would love it) a beautiful, purple glass necklace from Murano. I love that necklace more than most Christmas gifts I’ve received, and I was so touched. It was PERFECT. Now, THAT’s a gift.

• Shoulds – The holidays are filled with so many “shoulds” that it makes my head spin. I should be getting more and better gifts. I should attend this party. I should write that thank you note. I should really call so and so back. And for God’s sake, I should make the holidays special because if I don’t, I’m just a grinch. Whew, I’m tired. Instead of motivating me to do anything, the shoulds are making me want to take a nap. This year, I’m practicing using one of the most valuable words in the English language: “No.”

• False cheer – it seems as though most people share a belief that they should feel cheerful and joyous at the holidays. Any belief that dictates that we should feel a certain way sets us up for inner drama because we feel like a failure or a scrooge when we are visited by any other feeling. But you know what? Feelings come and go no matter what time of year it is, and that’s just ok. My intention this year is to notice each feeling and welcome it no matter what.

• Shopping – Visual overstimulation. Auditory overload. Too many decisions. Commercialism gone awry. Not a fan.

What’s your inner drama this holiday season?

UN-Hooked

So imagine you’re a fish swimming along, enjoying the sparkling fresh water. You’re with your buddies and you know exactly what direction you’re going. You see some food in the distance and swim towards it. All of a sudden, you’re HOOKED. You don’t know how this happened, but you have a hook implanted in your cheeks and it hurts. Sometimes, the hook isn’t in very deep and you can just wiggle yourself free. But sometimes, the hook is so deep and it yanks you out of the water, up onto the boat as you struggle and fight for a breath until you find yourself staring into the eyes of a hungry fisherman. If you’re lucky, the fisherman is kind, does “surgery” on you to unhook you and throws you back into the water so you can find your school and keep on swimming. Sometimes you’re not so lucky and you fight and gasp for air until you give up. Or maybe the line is cut and you live, but the wound heals around the hook, and you don’t even really notice how much you’ve compensated for its being there.

Depressing, right? But it’s what happens to us as humans all the time. We’re going along our own way when all of a sudden we find ourselves hooked by something, struggling to wiggle ourselves free. When the hook is shallow, let’s say it’s someone cutting you off in traffic or a sharp comment by a coworker, you can usually wiggle free without too much pain. You get annoyed but then a new song comes on the radio and you can let it go.

But sometimes the hook is huge, like believing you’re not good enough or will never succeed. The hook is dug so deep into your psyche that you can’t even see the little prongs that keep it in place. You’re struggling, gasping for air, and you don’t even know what the hook is, you just know you want it to stop hurting. It becomes part of you. You organize your whole being around it. You can probably see the outer part of the hook—maybe a tendency to settle for jobs that you don’t like because you’habit or addiction that you constantly beat yourself up over. But the little prongs that keep that hook in place are deeper thoughts, feelings and tendencies that can take a while to get loose.

It is my belief that our thoughts are the hooks. Not the circumstances, but the thoughts. It’s the painful stories we have about what happened, instead of what happened, that hook us. Then the work we need to do, and what this blog is dedicated to, is to get un-hooked from our painful and self-limiting thoughts. Some of this can be done through self-analysis and self-coaching. Some requires outside intervention, like coaching or therapy. Regardless, the process of un-hooking ourselves from our tired, old patterns and thoughts and becoming free to be our true, authentic selves is, in my opinion, what it’s all about.