Vulnerability

Over the past several weeks, I have been thinking a lot about vulnerability. It’s a theme that has come up for me as I write my blog posts and authentically share what’s up for me. It’s also a topic that keeps coming up with my clients, who are extraordinarily brave in their vulnerability with me, sharing their inner most thoughts and feelings. So it got me thinking... what exactly is vulnerability and why is it so damned hard to embrace?

According to dictionary.com, the adjective “vulnerable” means the following:
• Capable of being physically or emotionally wounded or hurt
• Open to temptation, pursuasion, censure, etc
• Liable or exposed to disease, disaster, attack, etc

The physical, “I could get hit by a bus at any moment” vulnerability is certainly present and probably more impactful in our every day lives than we care to admit. However, I am more fascinated by vulnerability of the emotional variety—the capability of being emotionally wounded or hurt by ourselves or other people. I find the last part of the definition interesting as well—liable or exposed to (emotional) attack, such as an attack on our character or self-worth. This could be anything from getting made fun of on the playground to being criticized by a boss or parent.

What are we so afraid of?

My guess is that even as you read the last few statements about the perils of being vulnerable, you probably cringed a bit. Emotional wounds hurt like hell and leave nasty scars that sometimes never heal. Children are wired to seek belonging, love, and approval and are naturally much more open and emotionally vulnerable than adults. But as they grow up, they end up getting their feelings hurt (or worse) in a myriad of ways. Their physical and emotional wounds shape them—their bodies, their belief systems, and how they see the world.

As adults, our feelings still get hurt all the time. We stand to lose our credibility, to look foolish or stupid, to be unliked, to be judged, or to have our hearts broken. We want to avoid a whole host of uncomfortable feelings, including sadness, shame, embarrassment, and disappointment. And when we are vulnerable, our self image is at risk.

What do we do to protect ourselves?

Each time we experience an emotional wound and it doesn’t heal properly, we develop elaborate strategies to protect ourselves from being wounded in the future. If you were mercilessly teased by other kids, you might learn to keep your distance from others so they can’t get close enough to hurt you. If you had an overly critical parent, you might believe the worst about yourself so the parent can’t say anything you don’t already “know.” If you experienced a series of negative events, you might grow up with a chip on your shoulder and use your anger to keep others out. There are as many protection strategies as there are people.

The really interesting thing is, though, that the strategies end up having exactly the opposite effect of what we want them to do. For example, let’s say your protection strategy is to be independent and "do it alone.” To reduce your perceived vulnerability, you might not ask for help because you may make it mean that you are weak and “can’t” do what you set out to do. Thus, every time somone offers help, you may dismiss them and say you don’t need it. You remain “strong” and independent, but at the cost of deeper, more intimate connections. So even though we protect ourselves by reducing our perceived vulnerability, it turns out that we are getting hurt anyway by keeping others at a distance and losing the belonging and connection that we crave. Twisted, eh?

As humans, we have a deep desire to connect with and belong with other people, to find our intimate relatinships, our friends—our “tribe.” And yet despite these deep longings for deeper connections, we stay stuck in patterns of potecting ourselves without even realizing it.

Why is vulnerability important?

To me, vulnerability is the path to a more open heart, and it is essential to being authentic. Vulnerability is required to face ourselves and let go of the patterns we’ve hung on to in the name of protection. We need to be vulnerable to access the soft, juicy, sweet stuff in the middle. That’s where we open our hearts to our intimate relationships, we care deeply for our friends and family, we communicate authentically with others, we learn to accept ourselves, and where connect with our source, God, the infinite, the universe, or whatever you want to call it. It’s the vital life force that connects all of us. Is it hard to open up and risk our hearts? Absolutely. But is it worth getting to the gooey, delicious center? No question.

The practice for vulnerability

If you are longing for deeper and more authentic connections in your life, start by practicing being vulnerable yourself and see what happens. Here are a few tips to open up your heart while staying as emotionally “safe” as possible:

• Start small. When someone asks you how you are, answer them in a way that is authentic.
• Practice asking someone how they really, really are. Be open to hearing the answer.
• Strike up a conversation with a total stranger and share something you’ve never shared with anyone before.
• If someone offers to help you, notice whether you push it away because you think you can (or should) be able to do it alone. Try viewing an offer of help as a way to connect with you. Accept it graciously.
• Speak your truth, whatever that may be, in an open, vulnerable way to at least one person today. If you’re scared of the future, say so. If you made a mistake, admit it. If you’re joyously celebrating something wonderful, don’t diminish it.
• Recognize that when someone else is either being defensive or attacking you, they are just using their own protection strategy. Do your best not to take it personally.
• Drop your need to be right; give yourself permission to choose connection over anger or pride.
• Tell someone that you care about how much they mean to you. Include at least one specific example of how they impact your life.

Then notice what happens. My guess is that by letting your own guard down, you will give someone else permission to do the same. Spread the love, one authentic connection at a time.