I should be better at folding sheets
My house should be more put together
I should have better skin
I should be more patient with my kids
My husband should be more patient with the kids
My kids shouldn’t whine so much
My nephew shouldn’t have died
I should know what to do
I should do more
I shouldn’t have said that
I shouldn’t feel [insert uncomfortable emotion]
I should relax
These thoughts serve an important purpose to my ever-vigilant thinking mind. My mind is convinced that if I think these thoughts, the thinking process itself will bring me closer to my goal (whether that goal is a future action, a state of mind or the ability to heal and accept something that happened in the past). If I think about how things should be, then gosh darnit, at least I’m making an effort to get there, which is better than no effort, right? Am I right?
And, on bad days, when I’m believing what my mind tells me, I’m afraid that if I don’t will things to be different by thinking about them (whether I take action or not) then I’m a slacker. I’m lazy. I’m selfish. I'll never grow or heal. I’m taking the easy route, and my mind wants nothing of easy. Because in my mind, if something is worthwhile, it should be hard. Oops, there I go again with another should.
Maybe I should take a nap instead. In fact, I will transform that thought into action by replacing one critical word: I will take a nap. Hmmm, that feels better. Good night.
Photo by Helen Sotiriadis
I'm pretty well aligned with this post but I'm wrestling with how responsibility should be addressed. If responsible dads go to their kid's soccer practices and I'm a responsible dad, should I go? I can change the words in the statement but letting go of the sense of obligation seems irresponsible.
ReplyDeleteI will take my dog for a walk now and clear my head.
Excellent question. To me, this is not about whether you actually go to the soccer practice or not. If the action in question feels right, then by all means do it. What I'm getting at is how you THINK about the decision before you take the action.
ReplyDeleteLet's say you think "I should really go to my kids soccer practice" before practice. In one scenario, you choose to go, so there's not much dissonance. Still, if you change your language to, "I WILL go to my kids' soccer practice," it makes the thought more direct and, in a way, removes the need to think about it any further until it's time to go.
However, in the scenario where you think you should go but don't, then your "should" is setting you up to feel anxious and ashamed. By changing the sentence to "I WILL NOT go to my kids' soccer practice," it will likely either kick up enough emotion that you'll change your decision or allow you to settle into the fact that you have other priorities for the week and no amount of worrying ("should-ing" :)) about situation will change the outcome.
In either case, it's about taking responsibility for your choices and their consequences without adding extra emotional baggage or drama. Make sense? I'd love to hear your feedback.