UN-Winding Old Habits

In this culture, if you’re not capable, competent and able to take care of yourself, what are you? We value doing, right? Being productive. Getting shit done. Checking things off the never-ending to do list. Taking care of people. Being busy. It’s become part of our DNA.

If we’re not doing, then we fear that we’re nothing. Lazy. Selfish. Unproductive. A waste of energy.

It seems as though our worth is tied up with our ability to produce. When we’re busy, it makes us feel like we’re contributing (even if all we’re doing is distractedly jumping from task to task without actually completing anything—um, guilty). When we check things off our list, we feel like valuable members of society. As long as we’re busy, the wolves won’t get us.

I believe that many health issues are our bodies’ way of accomplishing what we need (whether we’re conscious of that need or not) but for whatever reason do not give ourselves. Have you ever had a cold and realized later that what you really needed was a break? Perhaps your body was giving you just that.

In my case, cancer is giving me a big fat excuse (read: health imperative) to SLOW DOWN and RELAX. But relaxing—as a new way of being, not just a pina colada sipped on the beach during vacation—was not something I would have given myself before this rather loud wake-up call. In fact, I was used to packing about 10 times more into my schedule than I could realistically accomplish every day. I would take on new projects without really assessing whether they were a good fit. I was late all the time because I didn’t want to waste valuable minutes by arriving somewhere early (I could have used those minutes to do something else!).

So what happens when our ability to do is threatened or, worse, incapacitated?

Well, perhaps a bit less gets done, but that isn’t really the issue, is it? If it were just about the to-do list itself, it would be rather easy to deal with. I could rely on others or just live with the undone (ok, I already do some of that—hence the unfolded laundry piling up). But, as with most anything, when our way of being is flipped on its head for one reason or another, a whole lot of unprocessed “stuff” comes up. Beliefs about how things should be. Beliefs about ourselves. Guilt. Anxiety.

Being a mind/body coach helps give me a clue as to why I feel so uncomfortable without my security blanket of doing, but it doesn’t make it any easier, I assure you.

UN-Winding

I am taking on the challenge of un-winding a whole slew of busyness habits that aren’t serving me. Un-winding habits is what I help clients do, so it’s good to take a dose of my own medicine. The following points are like coaching 101, but the methods are so essential that they bear repeating, no matter how many times you’ve heard them:

• Challenge outdated thoughts and belief systems that keep old habits stuck in place. This is like clearing out the clutter of a house to make room for beautiful new furniture. It is tiresome and somewhat unpleasant to assess everything and decide what stays, move the outdated stuff, figure out where to put everything, and finally sweep up all the dust bunnies. For me, this means assessing all the thoughts that have me wanting to stay busy. For example:
o I should be doing more
o I’m not okay if I’m not busy
o There’s so much to do
o I can’t let people down
o I should be able to do it myself
o I can do one more thing

• Replace old thoughts with new, better-feeling thoughts. The trick here is to replace old thoughts with new ones that feel slightly better but are still true. This is vastly different from just trying to think positively (the positive thoughts would probably feel great, if only we believed them!). The newness of changing our thoughts feels awkward and clunky at first. But with practice, it starts to feel like home. Here are my replacement thoughts:
o I should be doing more > more is overrated
o I’m not okay if I’m not busy > it’s okay to rest
o There’s so much to do > there’s so much to be
o I can’t let people down > I can’t let me down
o I should be able to do it myself > I can’t do everything
o I can do one more thing > I can sit down for just five minutes

• Ride the waves of feelings without getting caught up in the story. I’m now convinced that staying busy is a way to avoid feeling (as is compulsive eating or spending, alcoholism, etc.). Now that this “anesthesia,” isn’t available to me, all I’m left with is the feelings I’ve been working so hard to avoid. So, as with most things, the only way out is through. I need to actually feel the feelings. Sadness for not being able to do what I usually can. Fear that my energy won’t return. Guilt for not contributing as much in the household. Confusion about knowing which habits to tackle first. Anger for having to deal with the whole situation in the first place.

• Breathe.

• Stay grounded. For this, I draw on my yoga background and do the pose called Tadasana, or Mountain pose. Feel the “four corners” of the feet. Place the pelvis directly over the heels so the weight is in the heels instead of the toes. Imagine roots going down into the center of the earth. Soft knees. Drop the shoulder blades, as if putting them in back pockets. Long spine. This is about taking a stand—for my health, my wellbeing, my values. From this position, I can handle anything.

• Incorporate new, healthier habits in baby steps. For example, I have been meditating in the morning for a while now (this habit took six years to fully adopt—yes, six), but I have been intending to meditate at night too because I think more relaxation would really help right now. I kept avoiding starting this new habit because getting 15-20 minutes of alone time in the evening seemed selfish and indulgent when there was dinner to make, dishes to be done, baths to give, stories to be read, etc. So I bit off the very smallest chunk of time I could muster—just a few mintues—to spend some time un-winding. Instead of thinking of it as meditation (which feels a little too official and forced), I call it a re-boot. I lay down. I breathe. I allow my body to slow down, engaging the relaxation response (the opposite of the fight or flight response). I don’t keep a timer or anything rigid. I let it feel delicious, instead of like an obligation. When I feel like I've had enough, I get up. Sometimes it’s one minute and sometimes it’s 10. I return feeling rejuventated and ready for the evening. Someday I might do more, or I might not. Baby steps.

Un-winding habits is not easy, but with stakes as high as they are for me, I’m taking stock and starting to make some important changes. What about you? Do you have a habit of being busy all the time? What is your busyness costing you? What would it take for you to slow down?

Photo by Patrick Brian