Will or Will Not, There is No Should

Remember when Yoda said to Luke Skywalker, “Do or do not, there is no try?” That’s how I think about the word “should.” There is really no should, there’s either “will” or “will not,” “do” or “do not,” “did” or “did not,” “is” or “is not.” These are reality-based words, whereas “should” lives in our stories about what life would be like if it were different. Even if we desire to take a certain action (like to go to a friend’s party) or to obtain a result (like to lose weight), the more we dwell in “should,” the less likely we are to take responsibility for where we are right NOW, and the less motivated we are to make a decision or change our behavior.

Here’s a fun exercise: write down a list of “shoulds” that seem to plague you consistently (like I did in the post Should is a Four-Letter Word). Go through each one and replace the word “should” with one of the reality-based words above and see what happens. Here’s my new list, so you can see what I mean:

I will not be better at folding sheets (I don’t care how well my sheets are folded, so I’m just going to drop the commitment to this one—how freeing)

My house is as put together as it is (no amount of worrying about how my house looks will change it right now. When I’m ready, I’ll work toward putting it together more, but not today)

I have the skin that I have

I will be more patient with my kids (but I will not beat myself up when I’m not)

My husband is as patient with the kids as he is (this one I have no control over, so I need to back up a level and think about how I will be more patient with my husband)

My kids do whine so much (it’s only my thinking they shouldn’t that triggers my strong reaction)

My nephew did die (reality always wins, whether we like it or not)

I do know what to do (saying we don’t know over and over just reinforces uncertainty)

I will do more

I did say that

I do feel [insert uncomfortable emotion]

I will relax


As you do this, notice what thoughts come up for you, as this exercise will likely kick up some dirt, so to speak. For instance, if you need to choose between “will” and “will not,” you will bump up against your real level of commitment toward taking the action instead of using your “should” to protect you from having to choose. Select your words carefully and be compassionate with yourself. You’ll likely learn a lot.

"Should" is a Four-Letter Word

"Should" is one of those words that sucks the life out of me, hence the reason I think it’s a four-letter word. It’s a word that, by its very nature, takes us away from accepting what IS. It keeps us fighting with reality and automatically sends us into anxiety, shame, guilt, and regret. Here are a few of my own examples:

I should be better at folding sheets

My house should be more put together

I should have better skin

I should be more patient with my kids

My husband should be more patient with the kids

My kids shouldn’t whine so much

My nephew shouldn’t have died

I should know what to do

I should do more

I shouldn’t have said that

I shouldn’t feel [insert uncomfortable emotion]

I should relax

These thoughts serve an important purpose to my ever-vigilant thinking mind. My mind is convinced that if I think these thoughts, the thinking process itself will bring me closer to my goal (whether that goal is a future action, a state of mind or the ability to heal and accept something that happened in the past). If I think about how things should be, then gosh darnit, at least I’m making an effort to get there, which is better than no effort, right? Am I right?

And, on bad days, when I’m believing what my mind tells me, I’m afraid that if I don’t will things to be different by thinking about them (whether I take action or not) then I’m a slacker. I’m lazy. I’m selfish. I'll never grow or heal. I’m taking the easy route, and my mind wants nothing of easy. Because in my mind, if something is worthwhile, it should be hard. Oops, there I go again with another should.

Maybe I should take a nap instead. In fact, I will transform that thought into action by replacing one critical word: I will take a nap. Hmmm, that feels better. Good night.

Photo by Helen Sotiriadis

Authenticity - Part III

This is my third and final post (at least for now) on the subject of authenticity. For the last two posts, I explored what it means to be inauthentic as well as the Top 5 beliefs that keep us from being true to ourselves. Now it’s time to dive into the juicy stuff: What exactly is authenticity? How does it feel? How do we know when someone else is being authentic? How do we cultivate authenticity?

What is authenticity?

Although I had heard Brene Brown's name before, I didn't know her work until recently, when my cousin Andy sent me a link to her TED talk on vulnerability (thank you!). I was mesmerized, so I went and bought her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” which I highly recommend. Her definition of authenticity is so aligned with my own thinking on the topic that I will repeat it here:

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Wow. My whole body relaxes and I take a deep breath every time I read that. I am most struck by the “letting go” part because I structure my life and my coaching around the "first principle" that our highest selves are already whole, complete and perfect. Our light is always shining brightly, whether we can see it or not. The darkness, or those areas in which we are inauthentic, is created by the thoughts, beliefs, habits and tendencies that cloud what’s already whole underneath. Thus, personal transformation isn’t about adding or changing anything, per se, but it’s about letting go and relaxing into what’s already present at the core. Authenticity is about remembering who we are and what is true for us as we release patterns that no longer serve us.

How does authenticity feel?

Just to point out the distinct difference, my experience of inauthenticity, or striving to be who I am supposed to be, feels icky, graspy, tense, narrow, and filled with inner conflict. However, authenticity, or embracing who I am, feels like snuggling up with a soft, nurturing blanket of ease and comfort. It fills my being with a gentle reminder, an inner knowing, a sense of rightness and alignment. I breathe more deeply, my belly and shoulders release, my eyes relax and my vision expands. I think to myself, “oh yes, this fits me so completely, how could it ever have been any other way?”

Your specific reaction may be different, but my guess is that you will feel some sense of freedom and relaxation, an inner “ahhh.” Authenticity is your body and soul’s way of saying, “yep, you’re on the right track.” It’s the sense of coming home to yourself.

Here is an example from my own life to explain what I mean. For the longest time, I thought I was supposed to be more social and, in particular, be better at cocktail party talk. Coming from a very extroverted and social family, I gathered a lot of evidence for why this should be true. I found the perfect target to blame all this dissonance on: me. I consistently berated myself up for not being more interesting or a better conversationalist. But low and behold, as I’ve gotten to know and accept myself for who I am, I realize that I LOVE deep conversations about what is important to people, not small talk. And look what happened—by letting go of my “shoulds” and acknowledging my truth, I now have the priviledge of having great conversations about deeply personal topics with my clients for a living. And wow, what a snuggly good fit that is! I’ll gladly leave the weather to anyone else that likes to talk about it.

How can you tell when someone is being authentic?

When I am around someone who consciously chooses authenticity, I feel more relaxed in myself. Interesting, eh? You know what I mean, though, right? When you’re around people who exude authenticity, it’s almost as if they give everyone else around them permission to relax and be themselves too. A sure sign of authenticity is the alignment among a person’s thoughts, feelings, body language, tone, and words. This alignment radiates a sense of trust and groundedness. No matter how you feel about the person, you still think, “wow, they know who they are and I respect them for it (even if I disagree with them).”

Think about people you admire—most likely, they are living their lives on their own terms and give that sense of consistency among their values, their beliefs, their behaviors and their actions. One person who comes to my mind right now is Lady GaGa. She may be wacky, but I get the distinct sense that she is who she is, she is willing to take a stand for what she believes in, and she is living in accordance to what's important to her, without apology. She even sings about the topic of authenticity in her new single, “Born This Way” (my new themesong!) with the following lyrics:

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way

How do we cultivate authenticity?

Cultivating authenticity, in my mind, is what we’re put on this planet to do because it allows each person to make his or her own unique contribution to the world. Here are a few qualities that are crucial to choosing authenticity:

• Self-awareness – taking a look inside to figure out what’s important to YOU and you alone. This includes knowledge of your boundaries, desires, interests, and values as separate from those around you.
• Self-acceptance and self-kindness – being able to forgive your own mistakes, to allow yourself to be good enough, and to recognize your own worth and value.
• Connectedness – finding a way to connect with others without losing yourself.
• Willingness and courage – to make mistakes, to show your flaws, to expose yourself, to get out there, to say no, to ask for what you want, to be vulnerable, to give up your story, to face your demons, to take a stand, to be wrong.

Authenticity is about showing up and taking a stand for the most important person in your life: YOU.


Photo by Khalid Al Haqqan

Authenticity - Part II

In the my last post on authenticity, I started exploring the meaning of authenticity by diving into its opposite, inauthenticity. My working definition of inauthenticity is: changing who we are or what we stand for in order to be accepted by others. It means we consciously or unconsciously stay more aligned with the conditioned, social part of us that sells out our truth (our true desires, interests, feelings, etc.) in order to gain approval, to fit in, to be right, to please, to impress. This is an adaptive process that is designed, albeit misguidedly, to protect us (who doesn’t want to fit in?). My point is that everyone does it, no harm no foul.

While I mentioned that authenticity is a choice that requires courage and self-awareness, I now want to take this a step further. I believe that the choices we make are driven by our thoughts and underlying belief systems, many of which remain unconscious until we really pay attention to them. Thus, our underlying belief systems determine how aligned we are with our deepest truths. Does this ring true for you? Because this was a huge revelation for me. Huge. And worth repeating:

Our underlying belief systems determine how authentic we can choose to be.

Negative beliefs we have about ourselves keep us stuck in inauthentic patterns such as people pleasing or striving to fit in. Check out this example to see what I mean. Let’s say you’ve had an exhausting week, and you’re ready to spend some quality you-time over the weekend. Your friend calls and asks you to a movie on Friday night. She’s been there for you in the past. What’s more, you said no last time she asked you to do something. Your authentic self would rather curl up on the couch. What do you do? Do you stand for what’s best for you or do you put your friend’s needs first? Let’s consider this same exact circumstance with two different belief systems. In the first, you believe “I’m selfish if I do something for myself,” so you go with your friend. But if you have a belief that goes something like, “my needs are important,” you may choose to stay home. Hmm, food for thought.

Now let’s take a look at the Top 5 beliefs that keep you from staying true to yourself:

I’m not good enough/there’s something wrong with me – there are lots of variations of this basic belief in one’s own defectiveness. The more time you spend believing this, the less authentic you will be. If you are withholding yourself, diminishing yourself, hiding, beating yourself up or getting in your own way, you are likely hooked on one of these thoughts. Your highest self—the authentic you—knows this thought is an outright lie, so once you dissolve the thoughts (or at least quiet them down a bit), you can start living a life that is more aligned to the real you.

I don’t belong – It is a basic human need to connect with other people. However, the more we believe this thought, the more it sets us up to strive and make an effort to fit in. When you are trying to be a certain way, then you are not allowing yourself to be exactly who you are. Think back to your freshman year in high school. How did you change yourself in order to be “cool” (or rail against the cool kids by being different)? Did you change your hair? Your clothes? Your laugh? Your values? Are you still changing yourself in ways that will “earn” you approval in some way? Connecting with people authentically requires courage and vulnerability, but nets much better results than any attempt to connect based on something you’re not.

I don’t matter/my needs don’t matter – when you are believing this thought, you are most likely placing other peoples’ needs in front of your own. You end up taking care of others, past the point of exhaustion. Authentically, you may want to take a nap or do something for yourself, but you think they need you, and you wouldn’t think of disappointing them, so you soldier on, resenting them for taking advantage of you. When you let this thought go and realize that your needs are at least as important as anyone else’s, you can begin to make more conscious choices about how you spend your precious energy.

What other people think matters – this is a classic belief that afflicts most everyone at one point or another. It goes something like, “I couldn’t do that (quit the job I hate, leave a bad relationship, do something different) because, well, what would people think?” Author Martha Beck calls this concept the “generalized other,” and it turns out that it is usually only a few key people in your life whose opinions really matter. And even then, these particular people may or may not be supportive of what is true or important to you. As you relinquish this belief, you become more free to express yourself in ways you never thought possible—without caving when someone judges or disagrees. Cool.

I should be different (thinner, richer, better, younger, perfect, etc) – No matter how hard you try, thinking you should be different will not actually motivate you to make changes (how many times have you tried to stop overeating, spending, yelling, etc.? Yep, I thought so). In fact, this kind of self-criticism keeps you stuck in negative patterns. The worst part is that you mistake the “deficiency” for who you are (I’m someone who can’t change) instead of as a negative pattern that you experience. The authentic you isn’t perfect, but it’s perfectly you, exactly as you are.

Photo by Ibai Acevedo

Authenticity - Part I

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same.
There's a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

And the people in the houses
All went to the university,
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same,
And there's doctors and lawyers,
And business executives,
And they're all made out of ticky tacky
And they all look just the same.

You may recognize this song by Malvina Reynolds as the themesong of Weeds, a hilarious show well worth watching, particularly if you have a dark sense of humor like I do (warning, it is not appropriate for kids or the faint of heart). When my husband and I watched the first few seasons of the show, we looked forward to this song at least as much as the show itself. It speaks brilliantly to the way our culture encourages conformity, fitting in and keeping up with the Joneses as the pinnacle of success, but ultimately leaves us feeling empty and void of meaning.

For the next few posts, I will be exploring how to swim against this stream of conformity by choosing authenticity, a topic that I find absolutely fascinating and which is at the heart of my coaching. In order to ground my thinking, I decided to begin by exploring what it means to be inauthentic. I asked myself if it was possible to be inauthentic, since no matter what we do, we are being ourselves in some way—we cannot possibly be anything or anyone other than who we are. True dat.

However, after this little thought experiment, I concluded that while we can only be ourselves, our level of authenticity or inauthenticity can be thought of as a continuum based on the degree to which we are aligned we are with our true, essential, selves (the unconditioned part of us that remains the same regardless of our upbringing, age, nationality, etc). Thus, inauthenticity means being more aligned with the conditioned, social part of us that sells out our truth (our true desires, interests, feelings, etc.) in order to gain approval, to fit in, to be right, to please, to impress. It means changing who we are or what we stand for in order to be accepted by others.

I used to think inauthenticity was a bad thing. I grew up in what I perceived to be a very image-conscious community, and I remember resisting the etiquette, expectations and “shoulds” with a Holden Caulfield-like vengeance. I found it extremely difficult to sort out what was true for me amid the barrage of messages about who I should be.

Now I realize how influential societal factors are and how hard it is NOT to be inauthentic. Think about it. We live in a culture that dictates how we should look, how clear our skin should be, how much we should weigh, how much money we should make, what kind of clothes we should buy, and what our houses should look like. We get messages about who we’re supposed to be from our immediate families, from schools and religious communities, from the advertising industry (ad nauseum), from the organizations with which we are affiliated, and from general cultural norms. We are taught what to think (think positively!), what to feel (don’t worry, be happy!), and how to behave (be nice and mind your manners!). No wonder we admire anyone who has the courage required to be truly, unabashedly themselves.

I also used to think that inauthenticity was a state of being—you were either fake or real. Now I realize that being inauthentic or authentic is a choice we make in each moment. In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection,” researcher Brene Brown states that “authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” This choice requires us to be really solid in ourselves, as evidenced by the three simple scenarios below. What would you do in those situations?

Ask for a raise because I have earned it OR Resent the lack of recognition and badmouth the boss

Address a sticky situation that upset me OR Avoid confrontation and stuff the feelings

Stay home to watch Netflix OR Go to a distant cousin’s wedding when I’m feeling sick, just because it’s expected

If we do not consistently and consciously practice authenticity in the small day-to-day decisions, we begin to lose the ability to know what is true for us. After years of people-pleasing or impressing, for example, we forget how to listen to our deepest selves and end up way off course (like in a dead-end relationship or golden handcuff job), wondering what the hell happened. Inauthenticity leaves us feeling crappy, trapped, and often resesentful because of our own lack of boundaries. Then it’s even harder to find our way back “home” to our true selves because the transition requires us to release the very patterns that we have built our identity around.

Sound depressing? Fear not! The good news is that it’s never too late to choose authenticity. Think of authenticity as a muscle that needs to be stretched and strengthened—the more you “work out,” the stronger it gets and the more aligned your life is with your true self.

Stay tuned for the next post on the Top 5 beliefs that keep us from showing our true selves to the world…


Photo by Patrick Smith Photography