Today is the two-year anniversary of my nephew TJ’s death. He died of a neurological disorder at 14 months of age. When I talked to my sister this morning, I could hear her smile as she quoted Elton John’s lyrics with all kinds of implied irony and understatement, “it’s a sad, sad situation.” And it is a sad, sad situation. But as with most sad situations, there is usually an unexpected gift, a learning, a new perspective, a release, and a certain sweetness that comes with letting go of the life we wanted in order to accept the life we were dealt.
My sister and her husband are still in their “dark night of the soul” (more than three years of trauma and grieving), so it’s hard to see the gift in their son’s passing. I have seen them endure despair that was so strong, I wondered if they would make it to see another day. Their loss took them from parents to… what? What do you call parents with no living children? They have had to grapple with some of the hardest questions a human can face, like: What happens after we die? Why us? Did we do something to bring this on? Will we ever be happy again?
I believe, though, that when we heal the wounds from our darkest hours, we become more whole than when we began. We learn how to hold space for dark emotions. We learn how to be present for others in their dark times. We get in touch with our soul’s real mission in life. We eventually pass along our knowledge to help others heal. We raise the consciousness of the planet, one tear at a time.
There is more healing yet to do. But on this anniversary of TJ’s angel day, I want to honor his parents’ gifts as they have navigated this sad situation:
• Extraordinary honesty, vulnerability, grace and dignity.
• Willingness to confront their deepest fears.
• Courage to face another day.
• Commitment to feel their feelings, to lean into the pain instead of away from it.
• Their ability to ask for help, get support, and give themselves compassion.
• My sister’s inspirational writings that beautifully communicate TJ’s message.
• Their ability to laugh in spite of it all.
• The beautiful bond between them that continues to get stronger.
Carole and Troy, I love you both beyond words.
Photo by TLA Studio
I am very grateful that Carole, Troy, and you share your blessings and wisdom so gracefully. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteWow, this is amazing. Troy and I read it together this morning with tears. Kristin, you are wonderful and talented beyond words. Thank you for this touching and special tribute. As always, I'm astounded by your thoughtfulness. We love YOU more than words!
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way, I'm totally with you on the unexpected gifts like how to be with my own dark emotions (got that one down), how to be with the dark emotions of others (yep), getting in touch with my soul's real mission in life (getting there), gaining deep compassion, gaining true perspective, gaining balance and the ability to be with all of myself, losing fear of death, losing many other fears, losing the need for approval from others, becoming more courageous, becoming more myself, loving more fully and openly, etc. But the one about finding a sweetness in living the life that I'm dealt vs. the one that want - I still have some serious work to do one that one.
ReplyDeleteKristin, thank you for loving me through this sad, sad situation (especially while it got more and more ubsurd). :)
Hmmm, thanks for pointing that out. I don't mean sweetness in living the life you're dealt because there's a lot of bitterness in that. I guess I mean that there's a cleansing that happens with grief, and when expectations of should be are blown to pieces, then there's a certain sweetness in acceptance. Maybe sweetness is too one-sided. There is richness, meaning, and depth that comes from acceptance.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll love you through any sad, sad situation, no matter how absurd it gets :)
What a beautiful way to share Carole and Troy's journey to help others grow and have a better understanding of how to over come the pain of losing someone you love and to still have the ability to move forward in your life with greater sympathy for others and gain a better understanding of yourself. I also know the beauty of life is we will all be together again. I believe in my heart of hearts that our lifetime may feel like eternity without them..but the greatest gift will be an eternity together forever. Love you both and think of you often. TJ was in my thoughts today and every day.
ReplyDeleteKate,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words, especially from someone who has such intimate experience with grief and loss. I agree that we will all be together again eventually, which does provide some comfort as we move forward without our loved ones. Thinking of you too...
-Kristin