Soft is the New Black

Cancer is hard, in so many thesaurus-like ways (thank you thesaurus.com).

Cancer is difficult (adjective): none of the treatment options are particularly good, so making decisions is challenging. Physical symptoms, including pain, fatigue, skin irritation, and others make life more arduous while going through treatment. Emotional issues are more wearisome than at other times. Managing fear is especially tough. Life can feel exhausting and overwhelming when faced with a troublesome diagnosis and/or complications during treatment. Figuring out which diet and lifestyle changes to make in order to prevent future tumors from growing can seem rigorous and strenuous.

Cancer is solid (adjective): a tumor is a dense, firm mass of calcified cells. Once a tumor has formed, it is strong in its mission to grow. The mass is concentrated and compact. Treatment options are set and can feel inflexible. And if we take the cancer as a metaphor, could it be possible that this mass developed as a result of living life in a rigid and unyielding way?

Cancer is cruel, ruthless (adjective): facing cancer can range from unpleasant to brutal and bleak. Symptoms can seem intolerable and grim and are sometimes painful. Radiation and chemotherapy are unrelenting. The whole experience can feel perverse and unjust.

Cancer is true, indisputable (adjective). Cancer is absolute--it exists, it wears down, it kills. Cancer cells actually exist in every human, although the conditions must be positive for a tumor to progress. While cancer already has a definite place in the collective mindset, I think we need to increase our focus on pragmatic prevention strategies if we really want to move the dial. There are many verified ways to do this, including making dietary changes, managing emotions in a healthier way, reducing stress.

So, given that my intention is to learn from cancer and not fight with it, my tumor and I had a conversation. On several occasions, I communicated directly with the cancer in my own body (before it was removed) and asked it what it needed so it wouldn’t come back.

Call me a freak if you want to, but I know that my body’s wisdom illuminates the path that is in my highest good. Every. Time.

You know what the cancer told me? To soften.

Huh, go figure. With all that hardness proliferating in my body and life (yes, I can be a smidge rigid and tense), this made a whole lot of sense, even in that moment. Gotcha, cancer, I can see how softness is the antidote to the hard growth in my body.

Since that time, I’ve thought even more about how hard on myself I am, how rigid and tense my body can be, how much I hold myself in and hide behind rules and expectations. I even started recognizing how much I use the word "hard" in my every day communication (life is hard, stop playing hard-ball, having a hard time, hard sell, it’s a hard pill to swallow, they’re hard-up for money, she’s so hard-core, between a rock and a hard place).

My new mission is to be soft, to soften, to relax. And I recommend this strategy to anyone who is consistently angry, tense, anxious, overworked, stressed, in pain, moody, stuck or feeling worse than they could in almost any way.

What do I mean by soft? For me, soft means...

...Cushioned, squishy (adjective). Embracing the easy, pliable, flowing parts of myself and my life. Allowing more flexibility in my schedule and my way of doing things. Yielding when I’m in a squabble with my husband, instead of being attached to being right. Enjoying a whole foods, mostly plant-based diet (with some delicious, worth-while exceptions) because I like it, rather than sticking to a rigid set of rules.

...Faint, temperate (adjective). Soft as in gentle, mild, pleasing, quiet. Soft as in accepting that I am sensitive and sometimes need a break from the world to recharge. Soft as in playing soothing music, soaking in a hot bath, or taking a nap. Soft as in incorporating more restorative yoga, meditation, and deep relaxation--because it feels delicious, not because I should. Soft as in mellowing into myself by caring more about what matters to me than what other people think.

...Compassionate (adjective). Soft as in serving my clients because I love them rather than dwelling in how much I don’t know or haven’t done to get my business off the ground. Soft as in laughing with my kids instead of getting frustrated that they’re not doing what I ask. Soft as in delighting in spending time with family and friends. Soft as in simplifying life and doing only what feels right. Soft as in being vulnerable when expressing my true self. Soft as in asking for nurturing and support when I need it.

Soft is the new black, and I wear it with pride. What would softening be like for you?



Photo by bea08436e3_t

Where do you look for answers?

When you’re lost, upset, angry or disconnected, where do you turn for help? A therapist? Your friendly, neighborhood life coach?

When you have money issues, who do you ask for assistance? A financial advisor? Your accountant? A money coach?

What about when you have an argument with your spouse? Need parenting advice? Have a health crisis? Or when you have more nuanced issues like a desire to eliminate a bad habit or to figure out what you were born to do in this lifetime?

If you’re anything like me, whenever you hit a bump or roadblock on your path, you look outside yourself for answers. You talk to a friend, research the internet, take a class, hire an expert. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with this approach at all; often, it is the simplest and most effective way to resolve a problem, especially if you simply don’t have the professional information you need (e.g., the doctor’s medical training) or you are interested in learning a new skill that someone else is willing and able to teach you.

However, it is my contention that as a society, our conditioning to look outside for answers is so engrained that we have lost the connection to our own answers, our inner wisdom. We forget that no one else knows our gifts, our likes and dislikes, our boundaries, or our pain points better than we do. No one else knows the right path for us. Ever. We forget that deep down, our own highest selves will guide us in the right direction, even if that direction is straight to an expert who can help us.

In my life and coaching practice, I have a working theory that I have been testing for a while:

No matter what is going on in your life, what problems you face or issues you have, it all comes down to your relationship with yourself.

Your relationship with your money, your body, your children, your schedule all come back to how you feel about yourself. Your beliefs about money (which inform your financial reality) are a reflection of how connected you are to your own value. Your weight and your health are reflections of how connected you are to your self-image and your body. Your schedule and how you spend your time are reflections of how willing you are to take a stand for yourself. Your spiritual life depends greatly on how connected you are to your own divinity.

You can resolve any problem by tuning into your own inner guidance.

The good news is that every single thing you experience, any thought, feeling, behavior, sensation, circumstance, or problem, is a potential avenue that can lead you directly to your own wisdom and ability to connect more deeply with your highest self.

When you are connected deeply with yourself, it’s not that you won’t have problems (hello), but that the problems shine a light on the thoughts, beliefs and patterns that need to be adjusted to become more self-realized. When you are connected with yourself, you understand that the path you are on is exactly right for you--in fact it is meant for your own individual learning and growth. When you are connected to yourself you:

-Are integrated in mind, body and spirit

-Trust yourself; you know when to look outside for answers and when to turn inward for wisdom and guidance

-Maintain your optimum health and wellness

-Are more authentic, confident, accepting, grateful and compassionate

-Know your own gifts and use them in service to the world

-Own your flaws and don’t let them define who you are as an individual

-Learn from mistakes and heal past wounds

-Live life your way, without apology

So the next time you need answers, try looking inside first. Get relaxed as possible. Get grounded in your body. Check your thoughts and feelings to see whether they are getting in the way of your path. Meditate. Pray. Journal. If you still need an expert, ask yourself this before you hire them: to what extent do they act like they know what’s best for you versus guiding you to your own answers?

Being connected to yourself is the path of self-actualization. It’s the path of integration, the healing path, the way. It’s a spiritual journey. In the words of Lao-Tzu, “knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is Enlightenment.”

I would love to hear your feedback on this post. Please comment or email me privately!


Photo by ben heine

What's Fueling You?

Can you feel the change of seasons in the air? Even when it’s warm and sunny during the day, the telltale signs of shorter days, cooler evenings, and increased winds can’t keep the arrival of Autumn a secret anymore. I don’t know about you, but I’m in the mood to snuggle into my comfy sweats, drink lots of tea, and eat warm, satisfying soups.

Between the temperatures and the “back to school” mantra, Fall signifies a new beginning for most of us. It doesn’t even matter whether you or your family members are in school anymore, the season is still a time to get back to work, initiate new projects, or generally get serious about whatever goals you want to accomplish for the year. Usually, all of that translates into getting busy. Really busy.

This is typically a welcome change for me, as I like the feeling of busy-ness. It makes me feel important, like I’m contributing. But this has been an unusual year, as many of you know. I took the summer off from work so I could devote my time and energy to undergoing treatment for breast cancer. The Big C is one of those deep experiences that forced me to look at myself and my life because something--perhaps my way of being, my reaction to stress, my diet or lifestyle habits--created the conditions for cancer to grow. While I don’t believe the cancer was my fault, per se, I do think that I need to make some changes so it doesn’t return.

So, what have I learned?

To get the message a certain experience is teaching you, look at what you are getting out of it. For me, cancer meant clearing my schedule, not over-committing to anything, putting my self-care at the top of the list, and most importantly, slowing down. One of the biggest side effects of treatment was fatigue, so my entire job this summer was to manage my energy. I began to view just about every part of my life through the lens of how it would affect my energy. Would a given food, activity or conversation fuel me or deplete me? Would it add to my energy reserves or use them?

One of the benefits of fatigue, it turns out, is that I learned to take a stand for myself in the softest way possible. I took a nap whenever I wanted. I said no to obligations that didn’t serve me (and let go of guilt about it). I asked for help and support. And most importantly, I was more relaxed in my body and (sometimes) even in my mind. It’s hard to stay vigilant, rigid or upset when you’re so tired you can barely see straight.

With many opportunities on deck right now, I am extremely tempted to fall back into my old pattern of over-scheduling myself. But this year I am incorporating softness and relaxation into my routine. I’m allowing some flexibility for a nap here and there. I’m doing restorative yoga and adding in more massage and meditation. I am saying no to a few opportunities that seemed like a good idea at first blush.

By using the fueling/depleting lens to view my schedule, even though my energy has mostly returned, my Fall is shaping up to be much more spacious and relaxed than in years past. How nice is that?

The Fuel Tool

No matter if you are interested in fostering wellness or just want to experience increased energy to get everything on your list done, here’s a tool that can help you feel better, regardless of how busy you are. Use this tool to evaluate your activities in terms of whether they are fueling or depleting. Then for any of the items that are depleting, see if you can either ditch them or improve them in some way.

Step 1: Write down each activity you do, from the time you get up to the time you go to bed. This is your to do list plus things you wouldn’t normally write down, like taking a shower, picking up the kids from school, preparing lunch, etc. You can be as general or as detailed as you like. If you can’t get a good read on an activity, try breaking it down into smaller parts.

Step 2: For each individual activity, assess whether it is more fueling or more depleting (or neutral). Do the things you spend your time on juice you up and make you feel expansive, relaxed and/or energized? Or do they wear you out, make you feel contracted, and reduce your precious resources? (Or are they neutral). For example:

Activity More Fueling or Depleting (or Neutral)?

Meditation -Fueling

Prepare kids’ breakfast -Depleting (depends on how much they whine)

Write blog post -Fueling

Bookkeeping -Depleting

Watching TV -Hmmm... mostly depleting

Step 3: Evaluate the items that you listed as depleting. Now assess whether you can ditch them or improve them. Can you hire them out? Switch or barter them with someone who doesn’t dislike them so much (like switching chores with your significant other so you are each responsible for the ones you dislike the least)? If you actually can’t get rid of them, can you improve the tasks to make them more energizing? Can you play music, light a candle or treat yourself after completing them?

Try it and see what happens. Email me if you want any help with this exercise and please reply and let me know how it goes!


PS This exercise is strikingly similar to Martha Beck’s Body Compass exercise, but I didn’t even realize that until I was half way through it. I guess I learned it on a much more visceral level this summer, so I’m sharing my take on it.


Photo by Argonne