Authenticity - Part III

This is my third and final post (at least for now) on the subject of authenticity. For the last two posts, I explored what it means to be inauthentic as well as the Top 5 beliefs that keep us from being true to ourselves. Now it’s time to dive into the juicy stuff: What exactly is authenticity? How does it feel? How do we know when someone else is being authentic? How do we cultivate authenticity?

What is authenticity?

Although I had heard Brene Brown's name before, I didn't know her work until recently, when my cousin Andy sent me a link to her TED talk on vulnerability (thank you!). I was mesmerized, so I went and bought her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” which I highly recommend. Her definition of authenticity is so aligned with my own thinking on the topic that I will repeat it here:

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.

Wow. My whole body relaxes and I take a deep breath every time I read that. I am most struck by the “letting go” part because I structure my life and my coaching around the "first principle" that our highest selves are already whole, complete and perfect. Our light is always shining brightly, whether we can see it or not. The darkness, or those areas in which we are inauthentic, is created by the thoughts, beliefs, habits and tendencies that cloud what’s already whole underneath. Thus, personal transformation isn’t about adding or changing anything, per se, but it’s about letting go and relaxing into what’s already present at the core. Authenticity is about remembering who we are and what is true for us as we release patterns that no longer serve us.

How does authenticity feel?

Just to point out the distinct difference, my experience of inauthenticity, or striving to be who I am supposed to be, feels icky, graspy, tense, narrow, and filled with inner conflict. However, authenticity, or embracing who I am, feels like snuggling up with a soft, nurturing blanket of ease and comfort. It fills my being with a gentle reminder, an inner knowing, a sense of rightness and alignment. I breathe more deeply, my belly and shoulders release, my eyes relax and my vision expands. I think to myself, “oh yes, this fits me so completely, how could it ever have been any other way?”

Your specific reaction may be different, but my guess is that you will feel some sense of freedom and relaxation, an inner “ahhh.” Authenticity is your body and soul’s way of saying, “yep, you’re on the right track.” It’s the sense of coming home to yourself.

Here is an example from my own life to explain what I mean. For the longest time, I thought I was supposed to be more social and, in particular, be better at cocktail party talk. Coming from a very extroverted and social family, I gathered a lot of evidence for why this should be true. I found the perfect target to blame all this dissonance on: me. I consistently berated myself up for not being more interesting or a better conversationalist. But low and behold, as I’ve gotten to know and accept myself for who I am, I realize that I LOVE deep conversations about what is important to people, not small talk. And look what happened—by letting go of my “shoulds” and acknowledging my truth, I now have the priviledge of having great conversations about deeply personal topics with my clients for a living. And wow, what a snuggly good fit that is! I’ll gladly leave the weather to anyone else that likes to talk about it.

How can you tell when someone is being authentic?

When I am around someone who consciously chooses authenticity, I feel more relaxed in myself. Interesting, eh? You know what I mean, though, right? When you’re around people who exude authenticity, it’s almost as if they give everyone else around them permission to relax and be themselves too. A sure sign of authenticity is the alignment among a person’s thoughts, feelings, body language, tone, and words. This alignment radiates a sense of trust and groundedness. No matter how you feel about the person, you still think, “wow, they know who they are and I respect them for it (even if I disagree with them).”

Think about people you admire—most likely, they are living their lives on their own terms and give that sense of consistency among their values, their beliefs, their behaviors and their actions. One person who comes to my mind right now is Lady GaGa. She may be wacky, but I get the distinct sense that she is who she is, she is willing to take a stand for what she believes in, and she is living in accordance to what's important to her, without apology. She even sings about the topic of authenticity in her new single, “Born This Way” (my new themesong!) with the following lyrics:

I'm beautiful in my way
'Cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way

How do we cultivate authenticity?

Cultivating authenticity, in my mind, is what we’re put on this planet to do because it allows each person to make his or her own unique contribution to the world. Here are a few qualities that are crucial to choosing authenticity:

• Self-awareness – taking a look inside to figure out what’s important to YOU and you alone. This includes knowledge of your boundaries, desires, interests, and values as separate from those around you.
• Self-acceptance and self-kindness – being able to forgive your own mistakes, to allow yourself to be good enough, and to recognize your own worth and value.
• Connectedness – finding a way to connect with others without losing yourself.
• Willingness and courage – to make mistakes, to show your flaws, to expose yourself, to get out there, to say no, to ask for what you want, to be vulnerable, to give up your story, to face your demons, to take a stand, to be wrong.

Authenticity is about showing up and taking a stand for the most important person in your life: YOU.


Photo by Khalid Al Haqqan